I Love Creating. I Just Don’t Want Everything to Become Content.

I love creating.

Like… genuinely love it.

I love having some random idea appear in my brain at an inconvenient time and thinking:

Wait. What if we did THIS?

And then suddenly I’m emotionally invested in something that did not exist seventeen seconds ago. 😂

I love taking an idea and turning it into something you can actually see.

A photo.

A video.

A story.

A little world.

Something funny.

Something sexy.

Something that makes somebody feel understood.

There’s still something kind of magical to me about creating something from nothing and putting it out into the world.

But the bigger this has become, the more I’ve realized there are two completely different versions of being a creator.

There’s the version you see.

And then there’s everything behind it.

Sometimes I Wish You Could See the Other Side

You might see a photo.

I see the idea before the photo.

The planning.

The outfit that looked much better in my imagination. 😭

The lighting.

The setup.

The shoot.

The seventeen photos where my face apparently forgot how faces work.

The editing.

The software.

The subscriptions.

The people helping.

The content that never gets posted.

The marketing.

The website.

The messages.

The scheduling.

The analytics.

The bookkeeping.

The next shoot that has to be planned while the current one is still being finished.

And approximately eleven other things happening simultaneously because apparently I have chosen a career where the job description is:

Yes.

Just… yes to everything. 😂

Creator.

Model.

Writer.

Marketer.

Producer.

Customer service.

Creative director.

Social media manager.

Professional finder of passwords I definitely saved somewhere.

At a certain point, you realize you cannot—and probably should not—do all of it alone.

Turns Out, It Really Does Take a Team

I used to think being independent meant doing everything myself.

Now I think that’s one of the fastest ways to become very independent and very tired.

As things grow, people start helping you carry them.

Someone helps with content.

Someone helps with conversations or organization.

Someone helps with the technical stuff that makes my brain want to exit my body.

Someone helps with the business side.

And suddenly this little thing you started isn’t only your thing anymore.

People are giving you their time.

Their creativity.

Their energy.

And some of those people begin depending on the business you’ve built too.

That part feels different.

There’s something really beautiful about being able to create work for other people.

But there’s also responsibility in it.

Because now when I make decisions, I’m not always thinking only about me.

There are people to pay.

Tools we need.

Production costs.

Software.

Advertising.

Equipment.

Business expenses.

Taxes.

Platform fees.

And then whatever is left needs to help create whatever comes next.

Nobody tells you when you start posting pictures online that one day you’ll be sitting somewhere staring at expenses like a tiny blonde CFO.

Yet here we are. 😂

And Sometimes I Wish Pricing Was Easier to Explain

This part is vulnerable for me because I never want somebody to feel pressured to buy something from me.

Ever.

There are things in life that matter a whole lot more than content on the internet.

Take care of yourself first.

Always.

But sometimes somebody sees a price attached to something I’ve created and says:

That’s expensive.

And I understand why.

They’re looking at the finished thing.

A photo.

A video.

Something digital that appeared on their phone in approximately half a second.

They didn’t watch everything that happened before it got there.

And sometimes I just wish there were a way to show that part too.

Not because I want anyone to feel guilty.

I don’t.

And not because every person should automatically think something is worth the price simply because it took work to create.

That’s not how value works either.

I just wish the invisible part of creative work were a little less invisible.

Because by the time a platform takes its share, people are paid, production is covered, business expenses are handled and money is reinvested into creating the next thing, the number somebody sees on their screen is not the number that magically lands in my pocket.

I think that’s true of so many creative businesses.

The finished thing can look effortless precisely because a lot of effort went into making it feel that way.

But Money Isn’t Even the Strangest Part

The strangest part is how easy it becomes to look at your entire life and ask:

Could this be content?

Cute breakfast?

Content.

Funny thing happened?

Content.

New outfit?

Content.

Going somewhere?

Content.

Bad day?

Potentially really good content. 😭

And at first that feels exciting.

Your life becomes this endless source of things to create from.

But eventually I started realizing I don’t want every beautiful thing that happens to me to immediately become something I have to package for somebody else.

Sometimes I just want to experience it.

No camera.

No caption.

No wondering whether the lighting is good.

No mentally editing the moment while I’m still inside of it.

Just mine.

There Are Things I Wish I Could Share

This is probably the harder side of it.

Because sometimes I genuinely want to show you more.

There are places I go.

People I love.

Funny conversations.

Things happening behind the scenes.

Little parts of my day that I know would make somebody laugh.

Moments when I think, God, I wish I could share this.

And sometimes I can’t.

Not because I’m trying to manufacture some mysterious private life.

Sometimes it’s safety.

I don’t always want the internet knowing exactly where I am in real time.

Where I regularly go.

What my routine looks like.

Where I live.

Who I’m with.

What somebody else’s schedule is.

That stuff seems harmless until suddenly it isn’t.

And sometimes the moment involves another person who didn’t choose to make their life public just because they happen to be part of mine.

Their privacy matters too.

Sometimes there are business obligations.

Things I’m working on that aren’t mine to announce yet.

Conversations that need to stay conversations.

Plans that are still fragile little ideas and deserve some room to become real before thousands of opinions get invited into them.

And sometimes…

I just want something to belong to me.

Privacy Isn’t Secrecy

I think the internet has blurred that line a little.

When we share so much of ourselves, anything we don’t share can start feeling suspicious.

Why didn’t you post that?

Who were you with?

What happened?

What aren’t you showing us?

But privacy doesn’t automatically mean there is some secret hiding underneath it.

Sometimes privacy is just a boundary around something precious.

I can let people into my world without handing them every key.

Actually, I think I’m learning that I have to.

Because if I turn every feeling, relationship, experience and memory into something public, eventually I’m not sure where Alexus ends and the content begins.

And I really like Alexus.

I’d like to keep her. 😂

Some Memories Should Stay Memories

I’ve started thinking about this more.

There are moments I have pictures of that you’ll probably never see.

There are things that have happened that I may never write about.

There are people who have meant something to me whose stories are not mine to turn into entertainment.

And there are memories I don’t want strangers to be able to like, dislike, rate, analyze or interpret.

They already have value.

They don’t need engagement.

I think that’s something I’m trying to protect as I grow.

Not less connection.

Real connection.

Because ironically, keeping some parts of myself private makes the parts I do share feel more genuine.

I’m not documenting a character twenty-four hours a day.

I’m living a life.

And then sometimes I come here and tell you about it.

I Hope You Still Feel Close to Me

Maybe that’s the thing I worry about underneath all of this.

Because connection matters so much to me.

I never want boundaries to feel like distance.

I never want having a team to make something feel less personal.

I never want growth to turn what I’m building into some cold little content machine where everything is optimized and nothing actually feels like me anymore.

That would break my heart.

The people helping me aren’t here to replace me.

They’re here because there is more of me that I want to create than one person can realistically carry alone.

More ideas.

More stories.

More things I want to build.

More time I want to have to actually be present with people instead of constantly running behind the scenes trying to keep seventeen plates spinning.

It takes a team to build the world.

But I still want you to feel the person inside it.

The Invisible Part Is Still Part of the Art

I don’t expect anybody watching a video or opening a photo to think about my spreadsheets.

Please don’t.

That would be incredibly unsexy. 😂

I want you to enjoy what I make.

Laugh.

Feel something.

Get distracted from a shitty day.

Feel inspired.

Feel close to me.

Maybe see a little part of yourself in something I say.

That’s the whole reason all the invisible work exists.

I just think every once in a while it’s okay to pull the curtain back and say:

Hey. There’s a whole little world back here.

People.

Hours.

Ideas.

Mistakes.

Money.

Responsibilities.

Boundaries.

Way too many subscriptions.

Probably cold coffee I forgot to drink.

And a girl in the middle of it who still gets genuinely excited when an idea finally becomes real.

I’m proud of what we’re building.

I’m grateful that people care enough to make any of it possible.

And I’m learning that creating more doesn’t have to mean giving away every piece of myself.

Some things I’ll share.

Some things I’ll save.

Some things you’ll see after they’ve already happened.

And some things may always belong only to the people who were there.

I think that’s okay.

Because I don’t want to create my life instead of living it.

I want to live a really beautiful, weird, complicated life…

and create from there.

Alexus Rae
xoxo ♡